I can't believe how mad I am at myself. I sit here and just get pissed about the dumbest things and I have no idea why it even makes me mad in the first place and then being mad about something that I don't need to be mad about makes me even more mad! I'm driving myself nuts!
Like today. I told Varia weeks ago that when she went to the doctor I would drive her. But then today I get a text from Cody saying he wants to show me that place that he found the other day and that I need to make sure to bring my camera and I get all excited b/c I want to go take pictures and I want to see this place cause he wouldn't tell me about it! But the doctor's took way longer than I was expecting so Cody & I didn't end up going....and it actually really pissed me off! And I sat there and thought "why am I getting so mad?!" I did something for my roommate and I know she appreciates it but I'm being selfish! And it was stupid of me but I can't help but be mad about it!
I was really excited to go. And of course to see Cody.
Which is another thing that is just stupid....why the heck am I getting so mad about not being able to see a man who probably doesn't give to craps about me anyways?!?!?! It's so pointless! And I get so mad b/c even if it's something so stupid and I don't care about it, when I hear his text message tone, I'm happy. Glad that he thought to text me, for whatever reason. And it's stupid! Nothing is gonna happen...it's going nowhere and I know it. And yet I still sit here and hope. Hope that he will change his mind, or actually make up his mind. I'm tired of wasting my emotions on all this pointless crap that, in the long run probably won't mean anything!
I started thinking about my trip home for Mandy's wedding too. I'm starting to dread it. I'm gonna have to face all my friends that I started off in college with and sit there and say "No, I'm not in school. Just working at a crap job that I hate", going nowhere, doing nothing. While they all are moving forward with there lives. Getting married, raising kids, graduating college and taking job offers in Alaska. I don't want to have to do that. I want to be able to say that I've actually done something with my life. And I haven't and I hate having to admit that. Especially to my friends.
I miss the tranquility of South Dakota. I needed to get away, somewhere outside, somewhere quiet to just go and think tonight....I couldn't find it. Granted I'm sure if I looked hard enough I could but back home I could have just driven 5 miles any direction and I would have been good. I love it here, don't get me wrong. It's beautiful and I know I can find places to go where it could be quiet and whatnot....but I'd have to go up into the mountains a ways and I wasn't up for a long drive tonight. But I needed to just go and sort things out in my head. Think them through. Let them run. And I couldn't. So I know all this stuff running around my head is gonna bug me til I can just let it do it's course. It sucks. And part of me does just want to throw it all out. Make someone listen to all of it, which in a way is what I'm doing here. But this isn't even close to all that's taking place...ugh.
1 comment:
you have accomplished things in your life! You had the courage to go out on your own and make your own way, it is just taking longer than planned! I know this is probably not what you want to hear but things will work out, you will accomplish the things you want and you will appreciate them more than most people do because you had to work harder for them! I believe in you completely.
Love you,
Mom
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