in theory, in reality

I thought about you today. What I would do if you came back into my life. In theory, I would want to be happy. Happy to get my best friend back. In reality, I would be angry. Angry that you would try to just waltz right in. Like nothing was wrong, like everything was okay. But it's not okay. You walked away. And you never looked back. There are so many things that you've missed out on in my life. So many things that I've missed out in yours. In theory, I would love to spend hours, days catching up on anything and everything. In reality, I wouldn't waste the time, the effort. You went one direction, and chose not to bring me along. We wouldn't have gone the exact same path, I know that for sure. But they wouldn't have been so distanced, like they are now. I admit, I miss talking to you. I miss seeing you. I miss you.
I close myself off towards others because of you. Did you know that? That I fear that someone else will do what you did. I shouldn't think anyone else is like you, because they aren't. Which is a good thing. A bad thing. I don't want another you. But I want what you and I had, just with someone else. Is that replacing you? I hope not. You can't be replaced. I would never try to. But I'm so afraid to let that someone else in, to let them be like you. Because in the back of my mind I always think will it end like you and I did. And I don't want that either. What I'm getting at is that I need to let you go. I know that I won't, not really, not fully. But I need to let you go enough in order to hold on to that someone else. I'm sorry about how things turned out. If you ever did decide to come back, in reality, I would let you. But it would never be like it was, and I know you, of all people, would understand that. And I think that's why I'm okay with it. With letting you back in, should you want to.

I do want to let that someone else in. Badly. To show them I can, that I'm willing to. In theory, it would all be okay. He and I would be exactly how I want us to be. In reality, I don't think it would work out that way. I don't think he wants us to be that way. He and I share a similar experience. Closer than he realizes, on my part. Because I won't let him in. I won't tell him about you. He has told me about her, but every time I think about telling him about you, I choke. I close up. Because in reality I wish he and I didn't share that experience. I know it was hard on him. It's still hard on him. And it's still hard on me. Still hurts. And that's why I think in theory we would work. But in reality it may be the reason why we wouldn't.

In theory you are are nothing like each other.
In reality you are all to similar.
And that simple fact makes me smile.