in theory, in reality

I thought about you today. What I would do if you came back into my life. In theory, I would want to be happy. Happy to get my best friend back. In reality, I would be angry. Angry that you would try to just waltz right in. Like nothing was wrong, like everything was okay. But it's not okay. You walked away. And you never looked back. There are so many things that you've missed out on in my life. So many things that I've missed out in yours. In theory, I would love to spend hours, days catching up on anything and everything. In reality, I wouldn't waste the time, the effort. You went one direction, and chose not to bring me along. We wouldn't have gone the exact same path, I know that for sure. But they wouldn't have been so distanced, like they are now. I admit, I miss talking to you. I miss seeing you. I miss you.
I close myself off towards others because of you. Did you know that? That I fear that someone else will do what you did. I shouldn't think anyone else is like you, because they aren't. Which is a good thing. A bad thing. I don't want another you. But I want what you and I had, just with someone else. Is that replacing you? I hope not. You can't be replaced. I would never try to. But I'm so afraid to let that someone else in, to let them be like you. Because in the back of my mind I always think will it end like you and I did. And I don't want that either. What I'm getting at is that I need to let you go. I know that I won't, not really, not fully. But I need to let you go enough in order to hold on to that someone else. I'm sorry about how things turned out. If you ever did decide to come back, in reality, I would let you. But it would never be like it was, and I know you, of all people, would understand that. And I think that's why I'm okay with it. With letting you back in, should you want to.

I do want to let that someone else in. Badly. To show them I can, that I'm willing to. In theory, it would all be okay. He and I would be exactly how I want us to be. In reality, I don't think it would work out that way. I don't think he wants us to be that way. He and I share a similar experience. Closer than he realizes, on my part. Because I won't let him in. I won't tell him about you. He has told me about her, but every time I think about telling him about you, I choke. I close up. Because in reality I wish he and I didn't share that experience. I know it was hard on him. It's still hard on him. And it's still hard on me. Still hurts. And that's why I think in theory we would work. But in reality it may be the reason why we wouldn't.

In theory you are are nothing like each other.
In reality you are all to similar.
And that simple fact makes me smile.

just an entry

I am so sick of this heat!!! It's not fun at all.... plus it doesn't help that the air conditioner at Bulldog isn't working properly so it's not much better inside at work than it is outside. ugh! :(

I'm ready for a vacation. I'm sick of everyone giving me crap at work...plain sick of it....so my upcoming break is going to be wonderful! :D happy days are ahead of me..... .... for a little bit anyways. :)

I'm ready for a change....which is kinda strange for me. On average I don't handle change well. But I guess if I'm the one initiating the change it's better than to not see it coming. I'm not really sure what I want, (besides a new job, and a place of my own) but I want something big. Something drastic. Strange, strange strange.

So I looked up how much a flight would be from Salt Lake to Dublin, Ireland for a month....and surprisingly enough it was only $1,000. Not that I have a grand to just throw away on a trip....but I was expecting airfare to be WAY more than that. So maybe I'll get to go sooner than I think.... ....if I can actually manage to save up some money that is. :D

I want to write....I'm in writing mood....but I'm drawing a blank....and that little fact is sad to me. :( I don't really have anything interesting that went on today.... sad stuff.

So I guess I'll call it quits for now....I might write more later....if something hits me.

...confusion of sorts...

It's probably none of my business and I probably shouldn't be writing about it here either.... ..... but it's bothering me.... .... so out it comes.... I apologize to you (you know who you are) now if I'm outta line for posting this.

I've been talking to a friend who is currently on a deployment. He's frustrated because his girlfriend has a "bad attitude" towards the military. Apparently she wants nothing to do with the military or anyone in it. She thinks that if she is involved she will have to move all the time, up-root family, make changes. That's not true. My friend is trying to map out his career in the military..... .... I know that they (meaning men and/or women in the military) can get jobs....good jobs....stateside....and not have to move around. But she doesn't see it that way, and he's torn because he doesn't know what she wants. He wants to come home (25 days and counting) and just take a break.... .... have fun, get reacquainted with everything....she doesn't. She wants him to jump right back into school and get that going. Personally....I think he should take a break.... he's been working hard over there.....for this country and everyone in it.....because he knows it's what he has to do. He's never shied away from the fact that he's in the Guard and when they say go, he goes.

It just is .... surprising is one word ..... that someone can look at a solider and not really say what they are doing is 'wrong' but be, I guess I would say disgusted, with them/it. Some people may not agree with the war....fine....I'm not gonna start in on politics because I don't follow them enough to understand .... but I understand that a solider does what he is told and people should respect that.....whether or not said person believes in the reasoning or not.

It doesn't help that I'm a sympathetic person (to a point) with people.....especially my friends. He has enough to deal with on deployment and doesn't need the stress of a girlfriend hating every minute of what he is doing in order to make sure she can do what she is doing.

It just bugs me....to no end actually....he's become a good friend of mine....and I find it unfair that someone that means so much to him is in a way giving him an ultimatum of sorts....his country or her....not that it's gotten to that point....but from my standpoint that is exactly what she is doing..... ....it's just not fair in my eyes. I know, I know, life is not fair....but come on.....

Again I apologize if I'm outta line....

sunday afternoon

So this is what I did the other day at work....biggest box I've ever built....it was actually kinda fun. It was for a queen sized mattress and box spring. The best part was when the guy showed up to get it. He was driving a Taurus....it was great! :P


 I'm getting excited to go home. Trying to keep my plans to myself is hard though. People keep asking when I'll be in town, how long, if we'll hang out. I have to keep saying I don't know what my plans are yet. :S And me and secrets...well we get along....I just want to tell everyone how stoked I am to come home.

I'm not gonna lie I know I'm gonna worry about my financial situation for when I get back....but in order to keep that off my mind I guess I'll just have to have more fun to make up for it! :P Woot Woot!! :D

I'm hoping the 4th will be good this year. The last 2 years over the 4th here haven't been the best. They've been fun but not what I'm used to....and to be honest....I'm not a fan of the fireworks show here. It never seemed as big as they are back home. So hopefully I won't be disappointed. :P

Still looking for a new job. It's a little disheartening though to realize that I've applied to 5 or 6 different jobs in the last 2-3 months and nothing has worked out. I'm just hoping one of these days something will come through. :D Just gotta keep my head up right?!?!

I've decided that the next time I move....which would hopefully the end of this year....I've got to have a place with a view. It doesn't even have to be that great of a view. I mean I know several places that have better views than I have from my room....but I dig it! I'll gladly take a place on the top floor just for a better view! :D Most people hate climbing stairs....ha! doesn't bother me a bit. Maybe it's from the 2 1/2 years of living in dorms and having to climb stairs everyday. Oh the good times! :D

I really shuold be doing something productive today....but I'm just not up for it. It's a good day to be lazy in my opinion. :) Just chill and not worry about a thing. And the weather is helping make that idea a lot more appealing! :D

pity post--sorry--needed to vent

I can't believe how mad I am at myself. I sit here and just get pissed about the dumbest things and I have no idea why it even makes me mad in the first place and then being mad about something that I don't need to be mad about makes me even more mad! I'm driving myself nuts!


Like today. I told Varia weeks ago that when she went to the doctor I would drive her. But then today I get a text from Cody saying he wants to show me that place that he found the other day and that I need to  make sure to bring my camera and I get all excited b/c I want to go take pictures and I want to see this place cause he wouldn't tell me about it! But the doctor's took way longer than I was expecting so Cody & I didn't end up going....and it actually really pissed me off! And I sat there and thought "why am I getting so mad?!" I did something for my roommate and I know she appreciates it but I'm being selfish! And it was stupid of me but I can't help but be mad about it!


I was really excited to go. And of course to see Cody.


Which is another thing that is just stupid....why the heck am I getting so mad about not being able to see a man who probably doesn't give to craps about me anyways?!?!?! It's so pointless! And I get so mad b/c even if it's something so stupid and I don't care about it, when I hear his text message tone, I'm happy. Glad that he thought to text me, for whatever reason. And it's stupid! Nothing is gonna happen...it's going nowhere and I know it. And yet I still sit here and hope. Hope that he will change his mind, or actually make up his mind. I'm tired of wasting my emotions on all this pointless crap that, in the long run probably won't mean anything!


I started thinking about my trip home for Mandy's wedding too. I'm starting to dread it. I'm gonna have to face all my friends that I started off in college with and sit there and say "No, I'm not in school. Just working at a crap job that I hate", going nowhere, doing nothing. While they all are moving forward with there lives. Getting married, raising kids, graduating college and taking job offers in Alaska. I don't want to have to do that. I want to be able to say that I've actually done something with my life. And I haven't and I hate having to admit that. Especially to my friends.

I miss the tranquility of South Dakota. I needed to get away, somewhere outside, somewhere quiet to just go and think tonight....I couldn't find it. Granted I'm sure if I looked hard enough I could but back home I could have just driven 5 miles any direction and I would have been good. I love it here, don't get me wrong. It's beautiful and I know I can find places to go where it could be quiet and whatnot....but I'd have to go up into the mountains a ways and I wasn't up for a long drive tonight. But I needed to just go and sort things out in my head. Think them through. Let them run. And I couldn't. So I know all this stuff running around my head is gonna bug me til I can just let it do it's course. It sucks. And part of me does just want to throw it all out. Make someone listen to all of it, which in a way is what I'm doing here. But this isn't even close to all that's taking place...ugh.

today

First things first....we got a new roommate today...ugh. I haven't met her yet but I don't like having so many people live here...three is perfect...we don't need anymore than that. I don't know how we didn't all kill each other when there was 5 of us here.

Second, I had a good afternoon. Cody & I went up somewhere near Uinta National Forest and just walked around for a little bit. It was nice. Kinda funny. He showed me this bridge he and his dad built 11 years ago. He was surprised it was still there and standing solid. But it showed that he was proud it was still there & that it was something he and his dad did together. :D He has such great respects for his dad, which he should. It just makes me smile when he talks about his parents...I know he thinks the world of them,again, as he should. :D It was just a good afternoon. I wish I would have taken my camera though. I had it in my purse but left it in the car...dumb. :( oh well...all the more reasons to go again! :D

Anyways. That was my excitement for the day. :D